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Chapter Eleven
An Evil Priest and a Deadly Zacken * Our heroes arrive back at Koryn after solving the mystery of the murdered merchants! ' * '''The first order of business is to get Aigee’s constitution all healed up, so Ezekiel shows the way to the local cathedral where a powerful cleric priest resides. Upon walking in Skimp leaves a small sack of fifty gold in the offering plate. The strange man is told of Aigee’s plight and beckons him forth into his private chamber. Muffled grunts and sounds of pleasure echo from the room for about ten minutes until they finally emerge with Aigee looking healthier than ever but still hopelessly retarded. ' * '''The priest apologises that he could not fix the goo brain. For that a psionic would be needed. * Curious about his sword Wound, Bongo decides to leave it in the hands of the seemingly trustworthy priest who plans to study the blade overnight and perhaps learn its secrets, such as the identity of the evil spirit that resides within. ''' * '''After perusing the shops of Koryn, Bongo and the Bagpipes seek out some psionic dude in a cave named Telvar Ironmine. The psionic dude, who lives deep underground in a secret base along with many other researchers, attempts to delve into the mind of the brain jacker the heroes caught in Shardstone. But the fool fails miserably. Telvar then points the Bois in the direction of The Old Man On The Mountain, a person that lives over in the neighboring continent of Phylum, who apparently possesses immense psychic power. This psionic bloke is named Vulkyn. “If anybody can read the mind of a brain jacker,” said Telvar, “it’ll be him.” * After receiving their mission, the bois head out to Koryn’s shopping district to peruse their wares. Many things are purchased by the heroes. Bongo buys a powerful set of living wooden armor and a Flare Spear. Over at Urtarr’s shop, the shopkeeper gives the bois a magic bell that can summon an aspect of himself that can sell goods to the Bois from anywhere. The gang accepts the gift. * After an invigorating shopping trip (during which the Shopping Theme plays) the bois head into the local tavern to rest up for the night so that they may build up their strength for the epic adventuring that would be had tomorrow. * Bongo and the Bouncers awake feeling rested and invigorated. Bourbon fills them up with some fine ale and water, then they head onto adventure!!!!!!!!!!! “But wait!” Bongo remarks, “My sword! It is still in the hands of that kindly priest! Away we go to the church!!!” he calls heroically. ' * '''Upon entering the church, the bois are greeted by Ezekiel once again. “The Head Priest is just upstairs!” he informed the bois. They wished him good day and trampled on upstairs. The first thing Bongo and the Bourbons saw was Wound on a dark pedestal, and standing over the pedestal, shrouded in shadows, was the priest. His head mechanically jolted upwards towards the bois. His sallow, dark eyes stared right through them, he hissed, “You’re back!” his tongue appeared to be black and forked. ' * '''“We’re here for my sword!” Bongo announced. * The Priest reacted very negatively to the word “sword.” He jolted backwards, his eyes wide, his limbs rigid and stern. “Sword? My sword!” he grabbed Wound with both hands and pointed it at the bois. His eyes rolled to the back of his head. ' * '''Bongo and the bois slowly approached the manic priest. “Put the sword down man!” Skimp cried. “Don’t make us hurt you old geezer!” Kaw screeched. James was conflicted about the scenario, she could tell that the priest was obviously corrupted by Wound, but it was in her nature to ally with holy priests. Aigee simply began his interpretive dance routine while singing Happy Song. ' * '''“Unhand my blade, fool!” Bongo shrieked, pointing his Flare Spear at the foe. The priest pointed Wound to the sky and began chanting an odd mantra, “Nihtiw krad eht dna seye eht fo etihw eht si esroh eht. Dnecsed dna lluf knird. Llew eht si siht dna retaw eht si siht.” as blood began pouring from his eyes. Bongo ran forward and grabbed the hilt of the blade. With all his might, the goliath yanked the sword out of the villain’s grimy, bloody hands. The deranged priest began shaking and convulsing madly on the floor. He scraped his long sharp nails down the left side of his face, drawing blood, and screamed various obscenities. In his anger, the priest cast Mass Paralysis on all of the boys then attempted to take back Wound. Bongo had no choice but to use one of his two Hero Points to break all the bois out of paralysis. * Determined to save Wound, Aigee cast Invisibility on Bongo, which allowed him to safely make his escape. The priest screamed bloody murder at the top of his lungs and began to run madly in circles. The rest of the bois saw this as the perfect chance to escape. While exiting the church, Skimp took his 50 gold back from the offering box. * After saving Wound from the dirty priest, Bongo and the Bartenders set sail on a week-long for the distant continent of Phylum to locate a mystical man that may hold the key to stopping the itholid uprising. ' * '''Set sail! The bois hop aboard a new ship, not the one that Glezdon captains. However, Glezdon offers his assistance to the bois, and they accept, so he comes along. The captain of this ship is a bloke named Slickback. He explains that he has a long line of brothers with names that end in back, including (but not limited to) (listed from oldest to youngest): ' * '''Strongback, Oakback, Smokeback, Snapback, Yolkback, Brickback, Fitback, Snitchback, Quickback, Coopback, Scrubadubdubback, Lethanback, Driftback, Smirkback, Soapback, Sockback, Peteback, Switchback, Swampback, Smashback, Twinpeaksback, Slishback, Kelback, Zackback, Spongeback, Blackback, Bigblackandhardback, Madback, Swooceback, Slimeback, Grindback, Lurchback, Kawback, Bruiseback, Logback, Luckback, Roundaboutback, Noneshalltouchthebeerback, Luggback, Lemmeback, Nerveback, Oldback, Shrekback, Milkback, Lynchback, Boiback, Littleback, Patback, Backback, Smackback, Whipback, BOBback, Showerback, Sourback, Picklerickback, Slugback, Boogiewoogieback, Yuckback, B00shback, Skrunchback, Biteback, Burgerback, TheFitnessgramPacerTestback, Sweetback, Hiltback, Strawback, Bonoback, Tethan Erry, Gooback, Bindleback, Lunchback, Shrimpback, Painback, Skimpback, Thiccback, Horseback, Slakeback, Bustinback, Jamesback, Shangback, Mulanback, Bigback, Reviewback, Szechuansauceback, Largeback, Gorgback, Grinchback, Granchback, Reeeback, Grabback, Litback, Grunchback, Cashback, Crunchback, Propaneback, Grelchback, Susback, Harryboback, Fullback, Kickback, Aigeeback, and Babyback. * The bois cringe at the mention of the name “Aigeeback” and feel a brief pang of pity for the unfortunate creature who was given such a name. * On the high seas, Bongo and the Boibacks have a merry time aboard the ship. James gives captain Slickback a few tips on sailing. Kawkrookitar heads below deck to scrounge around for some rotten meat he can eat. Skimp begins hitting on Glezdon; the gentleman ignores the ugly rat’s advances. Bongo pulls up a chair on the bow of the ship and starts fishin’ with his faithful wolf Thgil. Bongo reels in a mighty carp from the sea, cooks it with his mechanical eye’s heat ray, and enjoys it with his wolf. ''' * '''A few days pass on the ship. Things are going relatively smoothly; the bois only had to scold Kaw for trying to eat someone one time! But, late one evening, as Bongo is once again fishing, he casts out his lure and it hits something, something invisible! “What the?” Bongo mumbled right before the invisible thing uncloaked itself, revealing it to be a massive pirate ship! “Eh lads! We’ve got company!” the druid cried to his allies. * The pirates blasted holes into the side of the bois ship with their cannons! And with their enemy’s ship hindered from moving, the pirates dock beside it and start their raid! ROLL FOR INITIATIVE! * The bois hop to battle with the help of Slickback and Glezdon! * During the epic battle, Bongo devises a brilliant idea to throw Skimp across the gap of water and into the hull of the enemy ship, whereupon, the rat can sabotage the foes. Skimp reluctantly agrees with the goliath’s plan and lets Bongo launch him. But alas, the slimy rat was inept at moving freely through the air, and falls into the briny sea, foolish rat! Sad! * As the fight rages on (Skimp barely managed to squirm his way into the enemy ship through the cannon hole) suddenly an unnatural rumbling overcomes the area. The bois are utterly faffielfed, but James, Slickback, and Glezdon know what’s comin’. * “Lads….” James announced, “The sea can be a alluring mistress,” the rumbling grew more intense! “Or it can be a devastating beast!” she said as a massive kraken burst out of the water, between the two ships. Zoinks! But this was no ordinary kraken, no! This kraken had the appearance of a certain handsome young man of Soresian legend, a man whose name was lost to time, but his epic tale immortalized in song and story. This kraken was aptly named The Zacken! * The Zacken attackened both ships with his mighty tentacles and gave a earsplitting roar! * Both parties, the pirates and the bois, had to face off with this disastrous beast! Jinkies! The Captain of the Pirates, named Papi Chulo, flew up into the air and begin striking The Zacken. Skimp, in the hull of the pirate ship, locked all of the lowly shiphands in a closet. James diligently booshed the enemy pirates. Bongo casts Aggressive Thundercloud on The Zacken and then spams Snowball. Kaw slices and dices the pirates into Lamb Sauce with his Scythe. Glezdon took out his completely ordinary Sea Bow and drew back his arrows and released, sending them flying into the weak bodies of the pirates. Aigee began courageously singing Aigee's Beautiful Tune in order to encourage his courageous pals. Slickback knocked a couple pirates overboard, into Davy Jones's Locker; the fury of battle nearly transformed Slickback into his chaotic counterpart Bickslack. * The Zacken become fed up with the pesky thundercloud that kept zapping him, so he attacked its source, Bongo! The beast slammed two of it’s massive tentacles onto the bois’ ship. Bongo dodged one, but was struck by the second! * The bois had wiped out all of the pirates, save for Papi Chulo (whom was focused only on The Zacken). Slickback pointed out that their vessel was too destroyed to continue its voyage across the sea. So the bois, along with Glezdon, Slickback, and the rest of their crew, hopped aboard the enemy ship. The only thing standing in their way of departure was The Zacken. ' * '“Oi!” Captain Glezdon snapped his fingers and pointed up to the devastating beast, “You’d better scurry on outta here!” he shot an arrow into The Zacken’s eye, sending the beast into a blind fury. * The Zacken let out an ear-splitting cry of pain. The bois likened the noise to that of one of Skimp’s REEEEs. In its rage, the beast slammed its massive tentacles onto the pirate ship, its sights set on the dashing helmsman who had pierced its eye. Glezdon was barely unable to dodge a grab from the monster. * “Unhand me, ye behemoth of the sea!” the captain cried as he swiftly pulled a knife from his belt and began repeatedly stabbing the colossal kraken. However, the creature’s hide was too resistant to be damaged by stabs alone. Satisfied with its catch, The Zacken began descending back into the briny deep, with Glezdon firmly in his grasp. “Gahhh!” he wailed, still stabbing at the monster, “Help me, lads!” * Bongo, Kaw, Aigee, James, and Slickback were all too far away to save the Captain in time. The only hero who could have rescued him was Skimp the ratfolk. “Skimp! Grab him!” Bongo cried. “Hurry!” * Rather than sever the tentacle slowly dragging Glezden into the depths of the ocean, or simply grabbing the helmsman’s hand, Skimp the rat snatches Glezden’s Sea Bow from his hands, then merely watches as he is dragged into Davy Jones’ Locker. This is why when the Day of Reckoning comes, Skimp will not be spared. Glezdon gave Skimp a final teary-eyed glare before he was consumed by the sea. ''' * '''Papi Chulo, who was still flying in the air attacking the Zacken, wailed in anguish, then plunged into the water after the monster, determined to kill it even if it meant his own death. And with that, the fighting was over. * Having not eaten a decent meal since boarding the vessel, Kaw is understandably ravenous. Charging over to the attacking pirate ship, the filthy tengu slithers down to the brigg and leaps into a closet, inside which numerous grubby teenagers are cowering in fear. Kaw pries open his beak, dislocating his jaws in the process, and raises his scythe. The slaughter begins! By the time Kaw is thru, all but one of the grubby boys lay dead upon the ground in a bloody heap of severed limbs and organs. The only survivor is then saved by Bongo, who asks the poor soul to hoist the sails. Meanwhile, Kaw remains in the closet for the remainder of the night, feasting upon his kills. Aigee (who is known to frequently mooch off Kaw) nibbles on one of the corpses and then scampers off. ''' * '''The next morning dawns bright and early! And the only survivor of The Kaw Closet Massacre is found hanging from a noose, as dead as a doornail. Bongo and the Barstools (except for Kaw) give the boy a proper burial at sea. James performs her top-selling hit single “Just You” as the boy peacefully sails off on a burning raft (LOOK AT THIS… RAFT). * Slickback takes the helm and sails the pirate ship onwards to Phylum. * After another day or two of sailing, the Bois dock their ship at the small, poverty-stricken village of Miraj. Slickback wishes the bois good luck, then sails back to Koryn. The bois head into the town. * Skimp assaults a filthy kobold on the street, demanding the creature become his slave. The kobold escapes, much to the rat Skimp’s displeasure, and the Bois enter a nearby tavern to rest for the night, unaware of the dangers they would face come tomorrow. * 'SESSION END! '